"There was fire in her and throughout her;"
Monday, December 17th.
My consciousness, and my overall emotional/mental being is like a flame- sometimes it burns strong… other times its barely burning and easily exhausted by the passing breeze.
In an email that I wrote to my cousin in Mexico, I tried to convey to her an overall picture of how I was doing here in Mozambique… and well, its tough. When people ask ‘how’s Mozambique?’ or more often, ‘how’s Africa?’ It’s hard to respond in a brief statement because the reality is- this experience is a fucking roller coaster. It’s ups, it’s downs, and everything in between. I’ve never experienced such a range of emotions in such a brief amount of time.
Sometimes I have tons of ideas that run through my head, I feel motivated. Sadly, these past few weeks have not been defined by this burning flame of motivation. Today I found myself thinking, "I’m in a rut," I don’t feel motivated. I feel like the flame that usually burns bright is dwindling. Instead, the last couple of weeks have been marked by frustration, anger, nervousness… dissapointment.
What has been the root of these frustrations? My organization. Well, the leadership in my organization. They’re not organized and their communication skills are subpar. Since the eviction, I’ve been in touch with them frequently- trying to see how I can help with the scouting of a new work place and also checking in to see if there are any new updates… these communications have been a lot of fluff and no real progress has been made. On the contrary, it’s just made me so much more frustrated.
It bothers me that they have not taken any responsibility for what’s happening. I’m upset that I thought I was getting a good placement, but in fact, it’s the same fucking story of bad placements and no work. [So let’s see- I got placed in one of Peace Corps Mozambique’s most notoriously dangerous sites with an organization that’s falling apart, GREAT] I’m upset that they ask me to be somewhere and not only do they not call and don’t show up, I have to call and ask where they are. I’m upset that they show such disrespect for my time and better yet- don’t even bother to apologize when they flake. It bothers me that act like ‘the victim,’ in the scenario, when in fact they had a hand in the downfall of the organization. It bothers me that they ask about Kremser’s fundraising idea to build a new office and conveniently forget that they haven’t done their part in the project (scout possible locations, get permission from the chefe do bairro, find a plot of land, make a list of materials needed and prices).
(Sigh)
So, now I don’t even remember what I was writing about and this has again- turned into one of my rants. Queshia (fellow Moz18er and one of my favorite people here in Moz) is right- I do go off on tangents. Why is it so hard for me to stick to the topic at hand?
Well, point is- my work with ATM has left me feeling helpless and frustrated, and honestly, a little angry. The flame is barely there… but I’m hoping that my little upcoming vacation will leave me feeling renewed, refreshed, and motivated to come back and move forward with my work as a PCV.
My consciousness, and my overall emotional/mental being is like a flame- sometimes it burns strong… other times its barely burning and easily exhausted by the passing breeze.
In an email that I wrote to my cousin in Mexico, I tried to convey to her an overall picture of how I was doing here in Mozambique… and well, its tough. When people ask ‘how’s Mozambique?’ or more often, ‘how’s Africa?’ It’s hard to respond in a brief statement because the reality is- this experience is a fucking roller coaster. It’s ups, it’s downs, and everything in between. I’ve never experienced such a range of emotions in such a brief amount of time.
Sometimes I have tons of ideas that run through my head, I feel motivated. Sadly, these past few weeks have not been defined by this burning flame of motivation. Today I found myself thinking, "I’m in a rut," I don’t feel motivated. I feel like the flame that usually burns bright is dwindling. Instead, the last couple of weeks have been marked by frustration, anger, nervousness… dissapointment.
What has been the root of these frustrations? My organization. Well, the leadership in my organization. They’re not organized and their communication skills are subpar. Since the eviction, I’ve been in touch with them frequently- trying to see how I can help with the scouting of a new work place and also checking in to see if there are any new updates… these communications have been a lot of fluff and no real progress has been made. On the contrary, it’s just made me so much more frustrated.
It bothers me that they have not taken any responsibility for what’s happening. I’m upset that I thought I was getting a good placement, but in fact, it’s the same fucking story of bad placements and no work. [So let’s see- I got placed in one of Peace Corps Mozambique’s most notoriously dangerous sites with an organization that’s falling apart, GREAT] I’m upset that they ask me to be somewhere and not only do they not call and don’t show up, I have to call and ask where they are. I’m upset that they show such disrespect for my time and better yet- don’t even bother to apologize when they flake. It bothers me that act like ‘the victim,’ in the scenario, when in fact they had a hand in the downfall of the organization. It bothers me that they ask about Kremser’s fundraising idea to build a new office and conveniently forget that they haven’t done their part in the project (scout possible locations, get permission from the chefe do bairro, find a plot of land, make a list of materials needed and prices).
(Sigh)
So, now I don’t even remember what I was writing about and this has again- turned into one of my rants. Queshia (fellow Moz18er and one of my favorite people here in Moz) is right- I do go off on tangents. Why is it so hard for me to stick to the topic at hand?
Well, point is- my work with ATM has left me feeling helpless and frustrated, and honestly, a little angry. The flame is barely there… but I’m hoping that my little upcoming vacation will leave me feeling renewed, refreshed, and motivated to come back and move forward with my work as a PCV.
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