"She.."

Wrote this over a week ago... but just getting around to sharing.

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Sunday night...

December 2, 2012

“She added so much beauty to being human,”

Celebrate her presence.

I have a little book like this, full of inspiration quotes about unspecified women. Each phrase starts with “She…yadah yadah ya.” And it follows with, “Celebrate her….”

I was cleaning/tidying up my room and I picked up this book. I bought it a few weeks before coming here and loved it so much. It’s full of phrases that I’d like to think describe me, or at best, hope that they will one day. I’ve read it over and over countless times. Out of the 30 phrases in the book, I have a few favorites. I bought this book because it inspires me … after skimming through it tonight I was reminded of my Mom…

This past weekend, I was able to get on skype and talk to my brother, my mom and my friends- Ayk and Hennessy. During our conversation Ayk asked me, “what do you miss the most?” Without much thought I shouted, “FOOD!” I laughed it off. And then I thought about it for real… what did I miss the most? Draft beers? Being able to go outside after dark?… being anonymous? Not being the only branca in the neighborhood? Not getting sketch marriage proposal from men I don’t know? A medium rare Umami burger? Tequila? Strawberry & nutela crêpes? Avocado rolls? Tacos de pastor? A cold negra modelo? ….no…

“I miss my Mom. I miss her a lot,” I replied. And then. As you know, the water works started flowing (so predictable). Fuck. Will I ever be able to talk about my Mom without crying my eyes out?!

This experience has given me an even greater (if possible) appreciation for my mother. I miss her. She is, without exaggeration- my everything. I remember a few years ago, on mother’s day I wrote something along the lines of, “There is a special kind of love reserved for immigrant, working-class mothers,…” There is. There is an unshakable dedication and fierce loyalty… a type of love that can’t be described. It can only be felt. I know my trivial writings and words will never justly describe the love I feel for her…  and how can they?

She is a woman that has sacrificed so much. She is the reason that I don’t take shit from anyone. Her strength has been my inspiration.

Imagine. Imagine yourself as a young woman in your early twenties. Your marriage has fallen apart and you have 2 toddlers to care for.

She could have stayed. I see it all the time. Some women… (and I mean no disrespect) ...stay. That is the decision they (are forced to) make. She decided she respected herself much more than what had resulted and she wasn’t going to stay with a man that had betrayed her, disrespected her, and gotten himself a ‘casa dois,’ as they say around here.

It’s unfortunate. Women in many parts of the world, parts of the world that designate them as less than, that designate them as property, as objects, … well, many times they are forced into lives that they don’t choose. They become bystanders to their destiny. Their wishes and hopes are just that- yearnings that dwell in their conscious, but may never materialize…

Not her. It’s true, she may live a life that she did not choose- a life of struggle. A life in which some dehumanized her, overlook her sacrifice and labeled her ‘illegal.’ But my mother is so much more. She is a woman that left everything she knew- her country and her family because she wanted a better future for my brother and I.

I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if she’d stayed. She could have stayed… she could have stayed and re-married someone else and perhaps been taken care of for the rest of her life- like some women choose. When my uncle offered to build her a house and simultaneously care for her, her 2 kids, and his own family- she refused. Not for her own sake. But for mine. For my brother.

She knew that if she had stayed in el rancho, I could have possible ended up in the same situation. But she wanted more… for us. Perhaps I wouldn’t have stayed in the rancho… maybe I would’ve made it to a university like so many of my cousins back home do, but maybe not. Maybe I would have been married off and have had 3 kids by now. I don’t know what my life would have been like if she had stayed. All I know is that the life that I do live, now- is because of her. She is the reason I can volunteer in Africa (of all places) and travel to places many never see. I owe everything to her. And like I’ve said before, ‘everything I am and ever will be, is because of her sacrifice.”

The book is titled “She…” and it’s written by Kobi Yamada.